Probate

This week's chuckle:

Tower:  "Delta 351,  you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 
Delta  351: "Give us  another hint! We have digital  watches!"

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Tower:  "TWA 2341,  for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." 
TWA  2341: "Center, we  are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make  up here?"
Tower:  "Sir, have  you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a 727?"

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From an  unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff  queue: "I'm  f...ing bored!"
Ground  Traffic Control:  "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself  immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft: "I said I  was f...ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"

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O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: "United 329  heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles, eastbound."
United  329:  "Approach,  I've always wanted to say this -- I've got the  little Fokker in  sight!"

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A  student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight... While attempting to locate the aircraft  on radar, ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"  
Student: "When I was  number one for  takeoff."
 
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A DC-10  had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted: "American  751, make a hard right turn at the end of the  runway, if you are able. If you are not able,  take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a  right at the lights and return to the  airport."

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A Pan Am  727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich , Germany , overheard the following: 

Lufthansa (in  German):  " Ground,  what is our start clearance time?" 
Ground  (in English):  "If you want  an answer you must speak in English." 
Lufthansa  (in English): "I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I  speak English?"

Unknown  voice from another plane (in a beautiful British  accent):  "Because you lost the bloody  war!"
 
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One day  the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold short of the active runway while a  DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled  out, turned around, and taxied back past the  Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8  crew got on the radio and said:  "What a cute  little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"  The  Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with:  "I made it  out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours  and I'll have enough parts for another  one."   

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The  German air controllers at the Frankfurt Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not  only expect one to know one's gate parking  location, but how to get there without any  assistance from them. So it was with some  amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the  following exchange between Frankfurt ground  control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird  206: " Frankfurt  , Speedbird 206! Clear of active  runway." 
Ground:  "Speedbird  206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The B A  747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop..
Ground:  "Speedbird,  do you not know where you are  going?" 
Speedbird  206: "Stand by,  ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground  (with quite arrogant impatience):  "Speedbird  206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 
Speedbird  206 (coolly): "Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't  land."

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While  taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US  Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale, Florida made a wrong turn and came nose to nose  with a United 727. An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the US Air crew,  screaming:  "US Air  2771, where the hell are you going? I told you  to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned  right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's  difficult for you to tell the difference between  C and D, but get it right!" Continuing  her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically:  "God! Now  you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever  to sort this out! You stay right there and don't  move till I tell you to! You can expect  progressive taxi instruction s in about half an  hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell  you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You  got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes,  ma'am,"  the  humbled crew responded.

Naturally,  the ground control communications frequency fell  terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the  irate ground controller in her current state of  mind. Tension in every cockpit out around  Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then  an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his  microphone, asking: 
 
"Wasn't I  married to you once?"